Monthly Archives: January 2016

Tonight, before yoga…

At my local community college, I went into the restroom before taking a yoga class.  While there, I overheard some woman talking to her friend about her daughter. “I told her she should do kegel exercises, but she just won’t listen. So I said fine, don’t do it, but you’ll just keep wetting the bed. I hope her boyfriend likes waking up covered in pee!”

Not a good conversation to have in a public bathroom….

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Overheard at CVS…

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn’t know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It’s not a burqa, it’s a poncho. I got it at TJ Maxx.

Overheard conversation….

Getting blood work done at my local hospital the other day I overheard a conversation between a man and his daughter… (she must have been 4 or so) She comes in and is chattering a mile a minute….. I really try to ignore her until what she is talking about penetrates my mind….

kid: But daddy… really…Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!

dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?

kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!

dad: Honey, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?

kid: Yes.

dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.

kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hoooo…

That’s when I got called in for blood work… Darn it…

Sex and the single mom

Yeah, I’ve been single a while… perhaps too long for my own good (or the good of the next man I happen to get naked in bed.. I may break him)

So, I’ve recently started dating again.  This is a small collection of some things I’ve encountered on some dating profiles lately.  Not really funny, just things I’ve encountered…

The “I have a penis pic” guy, who thinks that sending me a photo of his “member” is a GOOD opening.  Funny, most of them are SMALL… tooooo small to be fun!

The “HI” message.  One word, that’s it..  my all time favorite was HY.. yes, with a Y…

The “blank” profile.  Why go through 9000 attempt to find a username that isn’t taken to not bother to actually FILL in the thing?

The “weird” dude…. “I would drag my dick through broken glass to see you”  Can we say BLOCK?

The “You don’t know my name yet but here is my number, call me so we can have phone sex”  Yeah, no.  There are 900 numbers you can call for that.  99 cents a minute, what a deal!

The WTF guy… “Can you send me a picture of your teeth and feet? I love teeth and feet.”

The “Too Much Too Fast” guy…. First email: “I love you.”

The “I don’t know what to call him” guy:  “You said you were 48. You look 38. I’d like to give you 8 inches!”

The “Lets just put it all out there guy”  Second email.. Mind you, I don’t know his name yet…  “Do you like to be choked during sex?”

The guy I’m not interested in and just ignore, you then starts a conversation with himself, which continues over the course of 5 days (so far).  No, I haven’t blocked him, his talking to himself is entertaining.

And only today I received this one:  Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date?

 

 

New Neighbor Antics 1

Dear new neighbor: Running to “slide” on a patch of ice is NOT a good idea… Black ice on black tar CAN be deceiving…. it just MAY not all be ice.. and actually not all slippery… Can someone say “face plant?”

You made me waste a mouthful of coffee dang it..

Poor puddy tats

Just replaced the cat littler with 44 packages of pop rocks…… And now we wait.

Sorry kids…

Why my children won’t be seen in public with me reason 201: Stop and Shop today I was buying cat food. Two cats for a month is a sizable pile. Plus they eat dry and wet. I put 50 some odd cans and a 20lbs bag on the belt. The cashier begins to ring me out and asks… “Do you have a cat?” Those of you who know me know I could NOT just let this “Here is your sign” moment pass. SO, I replied, “No, it’s for my mother who is on a fixed income.” I look at the guy behind me and roll my eyes. Now, I know that comment can be taken two ways, and decided to play it out how ever it was taken. The cashier’s face went white and she asks “She eats cat food?” The snort from the guy behind me was all I needed to continue. Me: “Yes, she does, and she loves this brand the most. Says the gravy is to die for.” Cashier: “Oh my, you do know there are food banks in the city?” Me: “Oh yes, but the nutritional value of dry and canned food can’t be beat.” Man behind me, laughing so hard he’s coughing and beet red. The cashier looks me in the eye and says : “You’re joking?” Me: “Oh no, hunger in this country is rampant, I would never joke about something like that.” I pay the cashier and as I start to leave, she says to the man behind me, “Oh, She should be feeding her mother instead of letting her eat cat food!” The man now doubles over laughing and I take a step back and say: “Oh, we only like Alpo at my house, and mom can’t stand it because it gets stuck in her dentures.”

How I managed to keep a straight face I will NEVER know…

Here is YOUR sign sweetheart…

THREE “here’s your sign” moments in the past week…. 1, car in front of me at the light stalls forcing me to stop. woman behind me gets out and comes to my window to yell at me to move, which I would do if she hadn’t just boxed me in (only 3 cars at the light btw)…… 2, neighbor comes over to yell at me because the mailman put my mail in her box…..3, I asked another neighbor why she has her computer tower wedged in the window. Apparently she has satellite for internet and has to have it with a clear view of the southern sky…

Purr Pussy Cat….

Just saw the neighbor’s little kid trying to spray shaving cream on his pet cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night he wasn’t supposed to.

Towels?

Update to strange neighbor story: Today he is outside duck taping a towel to the window… Told his girlfriend it’s in case it rains……. Does anyone else see the lack of logic in that???? Now remember, this is the same guy who poured hot water on his window to deice it… not once, not twice, but three different times and shattered the windshield three times. This is windshield number 4… and the 4th time he has used a towel to block rain….. Stupidity is the act of making the same mistake more than once and expecting different outcomes.

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