The unhappy hoo-haa…

Dr:  You have a infection and a UTI.

ME:  I have a WHAT and a WHO??

Dr:  *rolling his eyes because he can see what’s coming*  It’s a yeast infection.. here is an RX for it and the UTI.

ME:  WTF is a yeast infection and how did I get one on my hoo-haa.?  And a UT what?

Dr:  (explains what a yeast infection is) smirking as he refers to my vagina as a hoo-haa…

ME:  (being intentionally dense)  But I don’t eat bread since the surgery…..

Dr:  No, you get it from tight jeans, nylon panties (Lists a whole SLEW of things I’m doing now)

ME:  There is yeast in jeans and nylon?

Dr:  Coughs and says do you have any other questions?

ME:  Hot baths?  HOW does that cause infections?

Dr:  It’s what you put IN the bath that causes them.

ME:  So water causes them?

Dr:  No, bath oils/salts/soaps etc..

ME:  Water, yeast, oil, salt.. you sure we aren’t making bread?  Not sure I should take baths.. I am eating low carbs you know…

Dr:  You never let me down Ms. Mello.   Have a good day.

ME:  You too dr.

Damn good thing I didn’t bring up the fact that he was the closest thing I had to getting lucky in TOO long…

But I digress….

There are things that doctors and support groups don’t tell you about…. that former fat girls have to learn all on their own.

And apparently some of them have to do with our hoo-haa.

If you aren’t a former fat girl, you may not realize that things are much different for them.  For instance, jeans.  Fat girl jeans, even expensive jeans have a single flaw: they  never fit right.

EVER.

If they fit in the waist, they don’t fit in the ass.  If they fit in the ass, the crotch is down around the middle of the thigh. That is how my jeans ALWAYS fit.. crotch was never where it belonged.   Skinny girl jeans fit better.  The crotch is right at the crotch.. accentuate the ass, and are tighter through the thigh area.

Yeah, the thigh area… Thigh gaps are considered sexy to some men (and women) but fat girls don’t have them.  Excess thigh material is normal to a fat girl. It prevents the hoo-haa from actually.. umm… well….It kind of tucks up the…. umm… well.. I will let you think on that for yourself for a moment… You’re intelligent, you can figure it out…

I’ll go make a coffee… be right back………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m back… You figure it out?  Good.  I didn’t want to have to explain that kind of thing to you…

Anyways….

Big girls can’t do the whole front to back thing either.  Don’t ask why… they just can’t.  And it sucks.  And it’s embarrassing.  And it makes the little, itty, bitty stalls they have in rest rooms impossible to move around in.  TMI?  Probably… but it’s a true thing.

Then it’s the whole bra and panty don’t match issue.  Fat girls can’t have pretty undies. Our bras never have matching panties..  So most of us would shoot for “almost matching”.. but I used to give up and wore granny ones..  briefs… cotton.. plain…white… blah…. apparently perfect for my hoo-haa… but not so sexy in a pile with the rest of my cloths on the floor…

NOW, as an “almost skinny” girl, I have jeans that fit… and decided to get panties that matched my new bras… Victoria’s Secret ones no less.. you know, the kind that WILL look impressive as they get flung across the room by an eager partner (who ever that may eventually be….) Nylon.. no more granny undies for me!  I’m going to be sexy! Stylish! Feminine!   BUT the hoo-haa.. not giving the girl a chance to breath.. (is that what a clitoris is?? A nose to breath from?  I forget….) The hoo-haa doesn’t like nylon…

Shouldn’t they have a handbook somewhere about these kinds of things?

 

 

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