Category Archives: Read at your own risk. I’ve warned you.

OLD neighbor post…..

I am putting up the warning with this post.  This is NOT a clean blog… I talk about sex, I use 4 letter words, and I speak off color.  If this offends you.. PLEASE do not read further….  And do not say I never warned you…

Anyone still reading??  Yup.. I see you… and I KNEW you would still be here….

This is the story about Click Click my neighbor.  Click click used to live in the apartment right next door. The tenant who replaced her is the one with the 5 boys.. No, I never miss my last neighbor.

Click Click was a quiet sort.  She had a son who suffered from “I’m an ass hole don’t look at me” syndrome…  and he would smoke the whacky tabacky on a daily basis… I knew because his room is adjacent to mine… we share a wall…  and I could SMELL it….. every… single.. day…  But this is not about AH (short for ass-hole), this is about his stellar mom Click Click.

Now, Click Click was a throw back to the 60s..Long hair past her ass… hippie style cloths.. heavy into social style “pharmaceuticals” and had a portable breath analyzer in her car (court ordered) that she had to blow into for the car to start.  Mother to 6 kids, oldest and youngest living with her..  youngest was my youngest’s age, same class and all.

I first learned about click clicks extra curricular activities one day when my son came home from hanging out with the girl next door and said.. “Mom, what is a dancer pole used for?”  Now, HOW does one answer an 9 year old boy when asked this?  Exercise son.. exercise.  Pauses… WHY do you want to know son?  Well, C’s mother has one in her bedroom… and a bunch of cameras and these umbrella things…

ME:  Coughs… OH???  and why were you up in her room son?  C was showing me how she does this dance thing she saw her mom do… Coughs… Well, I don’t think it’s really a great idea for you to be going up in her room.. that’s not nice..   OK mom.. I’m going out to see J across the street…. Ok son.. have fun…

Cameras? Umbrellas? A FREAKIN POLE??  WHAT is she doing up there??

4 days later my question is answered….. J’s mother comes over with my youngest and her son in tow…. apparently they can see my neighbors bedroom from J’s bedroom across the street………… What are we going to do about it?  WELL… we go next door and knock… and knock… and knock…. and finally click click comes to the door… in a see-threw robe… I’M WORKING WTF DO YOU WANT?

We want you to close your blinds! While my son and J are standing behind us, gaping at her in her see-through what ever it was she was wearing…  Ok son… J.. run along and ride your bikes…

She had business cards…a website… I kid you not…..

She also put new blinds up so the kids wouldn’t see in her room again….

Her webpage is gone… but if you ever stumble on the web cam for “Bunny Foo Foo”  beware… she likes beer cans and ummm.. other weird stuff…



Dating isn’t what it used to be!

Again, a heads up to you.. this is NOT a censored blog… IF swears and sexual subjects are offensive to you, PLEASE do NOT read my posts… This edition has clips from emails sent to me… they are NOT pleasant or even funny… so PLEASE don’t read me if you get offended….   THANKS!

SO, having said that…… Some men, seriously, what do they think when they send emails to women who interest them?  I posted a profile on Craigs List a few weeks ago… Aside from it being deleted for my use of “key” words in sentences such as:  *I hate spiders, your job will be killing them*  it’s been an interesting adventure… and some of it NOT very pleasant..

My post was cleaned up for Terms Of Service language mistakes…… but yet many men flagged it……

Family is extremely important to me. IF you don’t understand that, DON’T contact me. Jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I ride my own motorcycle, and wrench it when needed. I’m not looking for a knight in shining armor… a sweet man in blue jeans suits me JUST fine. (I am afraid of spiders, so you will be on duty for them.) I like going out to listen to bad karaoke, bands, djs, etc. I like to slow dance, but will dance fast if you promise not to laugh tooooo hard. (fish out of water flopping is a good comparison) Otherwise I enjoy sitting on the sidelines and watching the antics of others. I’m kind of shy and quiet at first, but do have a very twisted sense of humor that can be quite dry and inappropriate (Yeah, I’m the one cracking jokes at funerals, sorry)

I have tats….. 4 of them… multiple earrings… short hair…. a husky laugh and I DO snort if I laugh too hard. Hey, it can be endearing (or so I’m told.)

I am looking for a RELATIONSHIP… and we have to click…I am NOT looking to put out on the first date. I am not looking for “special” photos of body parts. I am not looking for someone who is married.

I couldn’t understand WHY they would flag it…  It’s clean… It’s witty… It DOES seem to resonate with the type of men I would like to get to know…  Then in my spam box today I found a response from a week ago…

we” keep telling you no thanks and flagging your ad.
You seem a little thick headed and unable to learn or understand……..
“We’re” not interested in seeing a ad from yet another pushy bitch type. Most of us are looking for actual females, not Nazi dyke bitches playing at being women.
OK then…. me thinks someone has a small penis and doesn’t like women who know what they want? I’m 48 years old buddy… sorry if that scares you… perhaps you need someone with no spine?  Yeah, thanks, move along asshat.
Another post from my spam box… this from about a week ago too…
Hi I’m Andy I’m 45 and I am looking to meet some new people. I am honestly really frustrated I got divorced 4 months ago and life was going great! I just felt this robust vigor and a zest for life that was sorely missing! I started dating a woman that was 25 years younger. She just really understood me. My ex found out about the relationship and started harassing her. We were sharing the same cell plan I have since gotten my own plan. Anyways she got scared and ended our relationship. My ex hated that I was so happy! She can be vengeful! So now I am back out here dating. It really sucks. Would you be free this week to meet for drinks? I could use a night out.
REALLY?????? What does one say to someone like that????
From the “I left our date and went to my exs and hooked up… thanks for letting me know how tough it is to be single and what kind of women are out there” to the penis photos… to the “I’ve been separated a week and I’m so lonely and horny can you come over?”  and my all time favorite that showed up in my inbox today:  “Do you have panties I can buy?”  And we ALL remember my date with the “teacher”
WHAT are they thinking???  What happened to the wait a few dates before you even attempt getting intimate?  I miss the mystery, the romance, the firsts… I miss laughing with someone… being held JUST because they want to hold me, not because they want sex/bj/hj or what EVER may be on their mind.  Is it wrong to want a link with someone? To FEEL for someone before you jump in the sack?  Is it wrong to still be old school and not want sex for the sake of sex.. but for emotions, bonding, intimacy… not a wham bam thanks mam life…
I feel sorry for some of the men I hear from… their expectations and demands are set so high that I doubt they find what they desire…  And I feel sorry for ME too… because MY expectations are set high … I’m waiting for a gentleman.. someone I can trust to bare my battered body and soul to…

Mommy has a date

So, I have a date tomorrow.

Yes, I’m attempting “this” again.

He runs his own small business.

He makes me laugh.

Haven’t seen a dick picture AT all…

None of our chats have even gone NEAR sex talk.

I mentioned a place I go to frequently to see Karoke…  HE asked if I wanted to meet there Friday for dinner and to watch Karoke..  Said he knew I would be comfy there and feel safe.

Brownie points in my book.

I seem to be osculating between OMG I have a date to OMG WTF am I doing? WHY am I doing this? Am I FN NUTS??  Do I really WANT a relationship?  Yeah, I know it’s just a date… but seriously, isn’t dating about looking for a partner?

So, as I sit here typing this, my mind is going a million miles a minute… Panic is setting in… almost to the point I don’t want to go..

Is this NORMAL? Am I normal?

He makes me laugh.. but he’s not my TYPE.. Don’t we all have a type?  I do, and he doesn’t really fit that profile looks wise…… but he makes me laugh….

I already have that first date nightmare over with.. no where to go but up right?

But OMG what if that teacher date was the BEST I was going to have?  I’m petrified of the fact I could be hitting lower on that guy scale….

Am I trying to talk myself out of this because I’m scared?

What do I wear??????


I have been so badly hurt in the past.. I don’t want to be hurt again.  Can I wrap my heart up in bubble wrap and just put it in a box somewhere to protect it?  I know I’m scared… I know why I’m scared… I know I’m running ahead of myself…. Do I really want to do this? Or am I better off being alone?  But what’s the harm in going on a date?  Fat me wouldn’t have an issue with this… Skinny me is more unsure of herself than I thought she could ever be….. Fat me had an excuse that her fat was what drove guys away.. skinny me knows she doesn’t have that excuse and any rejection is going to be because of ME….

Double ugh.

My latest emails from my dating profile

For those who don’t know:  HWP is Height Weight Proportionate.   DDF is Drug Disease Free  MFM is Married for Married…

I haven’t posted in a while, these stories are in addition to the lovely men who I have shared about on my Face Book page. It seems no matter what I put as a profile photo.. no matter what I say IN that profile, I get nothing but creeps and jerks.

I think my sense of humor is waning with this whole “dating” thing.  I’ve had one serious date in the years of “looking” for that special someone. That one date made me get Pepper Spray the next morning.  (That story can be found in another one of my blog posts)

Granted, this last year is the first year I’ve actually been dead serious and actually have been searching with some intent on dating.  I’ve reinvented myself by loosing weight, getting healthy, and letting the seeds I’ve planted over the years come to bloom.  If I had known THIS was what was out there…… I would have continued eating the pizza and ice cream and stayed happy being alone.

Without further ado, here are the newest ‘winners’…. and yes, you can use ‘winners’ in various ways….

Guy age 23……. His email to me….Hi, I am looking for a women into watching each other masterbaiting. It can be exciting to watch each other get off together. If this might sound fun please email me.

Guy age 40….. Are you the girl everyone thinks is good and wholesome, the girl next door? Only deep down is a horny naughty girl aching to come out. You spend hours masturbating to porn imagining you are the porn starlette. You so want to experience porn star like sex, but are afraid to show this naughty side.

Guy age 53…. if you like sex fun and friendship lets talk . age ? i am 53 yrs old average normal fun . you come tell me i am just looking to see what goes . feel free to say hi and let life happen . thanks …….   Attached photo of him “doggying” a woman…

Guy age 37…. Hello… I’m a good looking, normal, sane guy, 37, HWP and DDF with short brown hair and brown eyes, educated, laid back guy that loves to laugh. Always smiling! Not happy at home, looking for like minded female interested in fun on the side. Discretion is a must; not looking to change my home situation or yours. Mostly available for discreet encounters during working hours. Is there anyone out there that wants to be happier with some added excitement and romance?

Guy age 19  (yes, 19)  Maybe I’m fishing in the wrong pond here but after several relationships over the years that haven’t gone too well, I decided to come back here to see what happens. I’m a thin, white avid fisher and sports watcher who is independent and just looking for the right woman to talk with for now and to see if anything more might happen.

I know what I want and I’m not looking for a one-night stand, someone to toy with or lead astray. I’m seeking a woman that knows what love is really all about. You might think it’s easy to find out there but why haven’t I been able to find it yet after all these years?

With the weather getting nicer and fishing weather just around the corner, I want to spend this spring, and perhaps this lifetime, with a new woman who is down to earth, knows what she wants and can make me feel appreciated. I’m a slow starter but have a HUGE heart for whoever manages to ride it out. I am independent with a job, car and place and all I’m looking for now is the right woman.

I drink socially and do NOT want a smoker so please if you smoke, I wish you luck in your search. Please be between 18-28 years old, SINGLE and know what you’re looking for. I melt for intelligence, those who hold conversations, and fun personalities. Pics aren’t necessary but I value good introductions.



The unhappy hoo-haa…

Dr:  You have a infection and a UTI.

ME:  I have a WHAT and a WHO??

Dr:  *rolling his eyes because he can see what’s coming*  It’s a yeast infection.. here is an RX for it and the UTI.

ME:  WTF is a yeast infection and how did I get one on my hoo-haa.?  And a UT what?

Dr:  (explains what a yeast infection is) smirking as he refers to my vagina as a hoo-haa…

ME:  (being intentionally dense)  But I don’t eat bread since the surgery…..

Dr:  No, you get it from tight jeans, nylon panties (Lists a whole SLEW of things I’m doing now)

ME:  There is yeast in jeans and nylon?

Dr:  Coughs and says do you have any other questions?

ME:  Hot baths?  HOW does that cause infections?

Dr:  It’s what you put IN the bath that causes them.

ME:  So water causes them?

Dr:  No, bath oils/salts/soaps etc..

ME:  Water, yeast, oil, salt.. you sure we aren’t making bread?  Not sure I should take baths.. I am eating low carbs you know…

Dr:  You never let me down Ms. Mello.   Have a good day.

ME:  You too dr.

Damn good thing I didn’t bring up the fact that he was the closest thing I had to getting lucky in TOO long…

But I digress….

There are things that doctors and support groups don’t tell you about…. that former fat girls have to learn all on their own.

And apparently some of them have to do with our hoo-haa.

If you aren’t a former fat girl, you may not realize that things are much different for them.  For instance, jeans.  Fat girl jeans, even expensive jeans have a single flaw: they  never fit right.


If they fit in the waist, they don’t fit in the ass.  If they fit in the ass, the crotch is down around the middle of the thigh. That is how my jeans ALWAYS fit.. crotch was never where it belonged.   Skinny girl jeans fit better.  The crotch is right at the crotch.. accentuate the ass, and are tighter through the thigh area.

Yeah, the thigh area… Thigh gaps are considered sexy to some men (and women) but fat girls don’t have them.  Excess thigh material is normal to a fat girl. It prevents the hoo-haa from actually.. umm… well….It kind of tucks up the…. umm… well.. I will let you think on that for yourself for a moment… You’re intelligent, you can figure it out…

I’ll go make a coffee… be right back………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m back… You figure it out?  Good.  I didn’t want to have to explain that kind of thing to you…


Big girls can’t do the whole front to back thing either.  Don’t ask why… they just can’t.  And it sucks.  And it’s embarrassing.  And it makes the little, itty, bitty stalls they have in rest rooms impossible to move around in.  TMI?  Probably… but it’s a true thing.

Then it’s the whole bra and panty don’t match issue.  Fat girls can’t have pretty undies. Our bras never have matching panties..  So most of us would shoot for “almost matching”.. but I used to give up and wore granny ones..  briefs… cotton.. plain…white… blah…. apparently perfect for my hoo-haa… but not so sexy in a pile with the rest of my cloths on the floor…

NOW, as an “almost skinny” girl, I have jeans that fit… and decided to get panties that matched my new bras… Victoria’s Secret ones no less.. you know, the kind that WILL look impressive as they get flung across the room by an eager partner (who ever that may eventually be….) Nylon.. no more granny undies for me!  I’m going to be sexy! Stylish! Feminine!   BUT the hoo-haa.. not giving the girl a chance to breath.. (is that what a clitoris is?? A nose to breath from?  I forget….) The hoo-haa doesn’t like nylon…

Shouldn’t they have a handbook somewhere about these kinds of things?



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