Valentines day…my most memorable..

Many years ago, before I had children, I was a newly wed (3 years I think).  Way back then, I still had a weight issue… well, I’ve ALWAYS had a weight issue..  But back then, I wasn’t fighting the “I have to eat that second hot fudge sundae, I’m eating for TWO” weight… Yeah, pre-baby shrimp and pickle juice days.  (It was GOOD.. you have to try it sometime!)

Being a newlywed, kind-of, holds certain expectations.  I’m sure we have all been there.. expecting the wine and romance and hanky panky late into the night by candle-light things.  (yeah, blucky huh).

Well, I had expectations back then too.  I expected for two things.. either he would forget, or if he remembered, it would be something that HE would enjoy, not something for ME, his valentine.  My ex wasn’t a flowers kind of guy… or chocolates… or even I’ll take in the groceries…. He was a here, put on these thigh high boots I just got for you and walk around the house for me kind of guy…  (yeah, they are still in my closet unused if you are wondering)

This one special Valentines day, my expectations, as I said were low.. but my hope was HIGH.  I was on a diet, and he knew I was, and actually was being supportive… (a first I may add)…  So imagine my surprise when I came in the door that afternoon and there was a red rose (which I am deathly allergic to .  Beautiful to look at, they make me sick as a proverbial dog…. )  But there it was, a long stem red rose…  At least he remembered right?  I put it high on the fridge where I could see it.. and the smell would be far enough away that I could still enjoy the fact he remembered me.

There was a small heart shaped box of chocolates on my pillow… Yeah… diet is blown.. but hey, at least they are the GOOD ones with the nuts… no nougats.. (who eats that shit? especially the pink ones… *barf-o-ramma*)

So, to make sure you are on the same track as I am:  I’m allergic to roses and he got me a rose.  I am on a strict diet… and he got me chocolates… But he remembered me!  ON the day!  Not sale stuff on the 15.. but ON Valentines day!

I hear the door to our apartment open and I turn to see him come in….

bald.   Totally, bald.  Full beard/mustache/head of curls GONE… Hair on his chest that usually stuck out the top of his shirt… GONE…

Apparently, he had decided to “trim the bushes” and it got out of hand…  30 years old… bald as a cue ball… all because he had a need to do some manscaping……  Trim combs were not his forte’ I am surmising.  He had butchered his hair so badly that he had gone to a barber for help… Who said “hey dude, your wife is gonna FLIP when she sees this.. you better get her some valentine shit”  (YUP, he told me that’s why he remembered.. the barber told him)

But honey, you still have the boots I gave you last year that you have never worn in the closet……….. put them on and walk around for me…..

There was no hot monkey sex that night…. I went and did laundry at the laundromat alone..

About a week later I got a chuckle as the hair started to grow back… and the itch was killing him.   Hell, 20 plus years later I STILL get a good laugh at the look of agony on his face over that itch…

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Dating sites..

Yeah, I am on on a few dating sites.  They are not exactly as much fun as some people may think.  Actually, they can be scary and frustrating at the same time. (Lecherous old men and dick pics are abound on most sites) But sometimes, rarely, they can be fun too.  I have had a few laughs before things turned creepy. (Do you like to have your toes licked and sucked?)

Not sure if people have gathered from my posts.. but I’m not religious..  at all… Not in the “true” sense that some people may try to label others as.  I tend towards pagan beliefs.  Mother earth, father sky, the earth as a whole.  It’s just who I am.  (No, I don’t fly on a broom stick or wear a funny pointed hat) I’m also quiet liberal (Go Bernie!) I mean seriously.  Last time I was in a church was, um, when was the last local earth quake?  That was me, the saints fell off the wall and hell started to freeze over.  If there were really this many men who were catholic (as they have listed on their profiles) churches wouldn’t be in such dire straights..  (moaning OH GOD Sunday mornings during sex doesn’t count)

I’m not looking for someone who is the polar opposite of who I am.  I had that.  I divorced it. I take shots at it every chance I get.  (rebel flag, you can have my guns when you pry them from my dead hands and GO TRUMP hand painted on his pickup truck… that’s my ex)

Is there such a thing as a hippy, peace loving, hard working, liberal minded, non religious, fun loving, sarcastic, yoga loving, motorcycle riding, tattoo loving, bad boy with a job and previous relationship experience that lasted more than a few months?  Someone who wears jeans and t-shirts but also owns a suit that is NOT made out of corduroy or has the word leisure in the name?

OK.. maybe someone who has teeth that looks like he’s seen a dentist in this century and has a car??

 

The unhappy hoo-haa…

Dr:  You have a infection and a UTI.

ME:  I have a WHAT and a WHO??

Dr:  *rolling his eyes because he can see what’s coming*  It’s a yeast infection.. here is an RX for it and the UTI.

ME:  WTF is a yeast infection and how did I get one on my hoo-haa.?  And a UT what?

Dr:  (explains what a yeast infection is) smirking as he refers to my vagina as a hoo-haa…

ME:  (being intentionally dense)  But I don’t eat bread since the surgery…..

Dr:  No, you get it from tight jeans, nylon panties (Lists a whole SLEW of things I’m doing now)

ME:  There is yeast in jeans and nylon?

Dr:  Coughs and says do you have any other questions?

ME:  Hot baths?  HOW does that cause infections?

Dr:  It’s what you put IN the bath that causes them.

ME:  So water causes them?

Dr:  No, bath oils/salts/soaps etc..

ME:  Water, yeast, oil, salt.. you sure we aren’t making bread?  Not sure I should take baths.. I am eating low carbs you know…

Dr:  You never let me down Ms. Mello.   Have a good day.

ME:  You too dr.

Damn good thing I didn’t bring up the fact that he was the closest thing I had to getting lucky in TOO long…

But I digress….

There are things that doctors and support groups don’t tell you about…. that former fat girls have to learn all on their own.

And apparently some of them have to do with our hoo-haa.

If you aren’t a former fat girl, you may not realize that things are much different for them.  For instance, jeans.  Fat girl jeans, even expensive jeans have a single flaw: they  never fit right.

EVER.

If they fit in the waist, they don’t fit in the ass.  If they fit in the ass, the crotch is down around the middle of the thigh. That is how my jeans ALWAYS fit.. crotch was never where it belonged.   Skinny girl jeans fit better.  The crotch is right at the crotch.. accentuate the ass, and are tighter through the thigh area.

Yeah, the thigh area… Thigh gaps are considered sexy to some men (and women) but fat girls don’t have them.  Excess thigh material is normal to a fat girl. It prevents the hoo-haa from actually.. umm… well….It kind of tucks up the…. umm… well.. I will let you think on that for yourself for a moment… You’re intelligent, you can figure it out…

I’ll go make a coffee… be right back………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m back… You figure it out?  Good.  I didn’t want to have to explain that kind of thing to you…

Anyways….

Big girls can’t do the whole front to back thing either.  Don’t ask why… they just can’t.  And it sucks.  And it’s embarrassing.  And it makes the little, itty, bitty stalls they have in rest rooms impossible to move around in.  TMI?  Probably… but it’s a true thing.

Then it’s the whole bra and panty don’t match issue.  Fat girls can’t have pretty undies. Our bras never have matching panties..  So most of us would shoot for “almost matching”.. but I used to give up and wore granny ones..  briefs… cotton.. plain…white… blah…. apparently perfect for my hoo-haa… but not so sexy in a pile with the rest of my cloths on the floor…

NOW, as an “almost skinny” girl, I have jeans that fit… and decided to get panties that matched my new bras… Victoria’s Secret ones no less.. you know, the kind that WILL look impressive as they get flung across the room by an eager partner (who ever that may eventually be….) Nylon.. no more granny undies for me!  I’m going to be sexy! Stylish! Feminine!   BUT the hoo-haa.. not giving the girl a chance to breath.. (is that what a clitoris is?? A nose to breath from?  I forget….) The hoo-haa doesn’t like nylon…

Shouldn’t they have a handbook somewhere about these kinds of things?

 

 

28 years since my first date….

Was it really THAT long ago?  I’m kind of shocked by that number.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  19, attracted to the man who would become my husband. ( years worth of hell, but that’s a whole other story).

I’ve been divorced for 8 years.. 8 years of finding myself, allowing myself to grow into I feel is the real me.  It will be 9 years this September.  I feel it’s time to start dating and getting off the websites and meeting some of these losers errr guys… in person.

Sooo… the first one I chose.  He’s older than I am.  A teacher at my Alma Mater.  He was a very young teacher when I was there.  Kind of cool.  Kind of cute.  I remembered him, he didn’t remember me though.

We chatted for a couple of days.  Laughing, nothing sexual AT all.  Flirting, just having fun.  I decide OK, this is the first date material.  Not looking for a relationship with him, just have some fun, date a little.

After a slight snafu, we manage to set a time and place to meet.  Now I’m nervous. 28 years is a LONG time to have space between dating experiences.  Toooo long.  My 19 year old self is nothing like my 48 ish year old self.  What do I wear? Makeup?  Recent weight loss has left my closet barren for “date” material clothing.  A run to the store gets me a couple of options and I settle on one.

I don’t sleep the night before. Nerves have kicked in. Am I dating material?  Is this a good idea?  Am I really ready for this?  I decide to push through and go forward.  Yes, this is doable.  I can do this.  I am woman, hear me roar…. or at least get a little loud, not sure I can roar anymore.

Time of the date comes and I’m driving to meet him.  As I drive by a DD I see a man, an OLD man, walking to the building… my gut screams… THAT’S him….. RUN… Don’t do this.  He’s an old dude.. you can do better than this for a first date!  NAH my head says.. he’s safe.. he can be a first date.  He’s respectable.  30 plus years at the high school.. he’s a good “practice” date.

I drive by the place we are going to meet.  I don’t want to be waiting for him when he gets there.  THAT makes me seem eager.. and eager I am not.  I am actually wanting to RUN.  You know that voice in your gut that tells you things?  Yeah, I need to start listening to her.  I should have run and just gone ghost on him.  But noo….. I need a first date.. let’s trudge through this.

I turn around and get to the parking lot.  As I pull up, he is staring at his phone.  It’s almost at his nose.  He’s blind as a bat.  OK.  He’s old.  We have established that my head says.  TOO old my gut says.. RUN.  No… I stay.. then he gets out of his car.  FIRST date: Let’s impress her.  I’ll wear my BEST sweat suit. Navy blue.  Matching sweat shirt (complete with little tears in the collar) WHITE socks.. and let’s dress it up a bit, dress shoes (wing tips no less)

What the FUCK am I doing? RUN my gut says… stay my head says.. he’s harmless. GO, have a coffee, talk, get out, meet someone, yadda yadda.  So I stay.

2 hours later, he’s had multiple glasses of wine.  Each time he gets up he chats with people at the bar, leaving me alone for 5 to 10 mins at a whack.  He walks like a grandfather, hunched and very slowly.  He’s answered his cell phone 3 times.  Texted with someone twice.  Each time the phone is at the tip of his nose.   I have had to move my chair away from him several times.  Literally moved his hand of my thigh, breast, arm, shoulder, out of my hair too many times to even count.  I have even had to turn away from him several times because he has tried to jam his leg between my thighs.

The term Lecherous old man comes to mind.

But I deal, experience I tell myself.  First date I tell myself.  My gut says SHUT UP to my head… RUN…

SO, I excuse myself, and get to the bathroom.  “SAVE ME” I text to my bestie.  GET ME OUT OF HERE.  CALL ME in 10 mins… PLEASE.

I leave the bathroom, and say it’s getting late, I need to go.

Come back to my house he says.  I want to feel your mouth around my cock.

UM no.  I am going home.

PLEASE, I have been staring at your lips all night.  I want to feel my cum shoot down your throat…

ME:  Chokes… “Um NO.  I am going home… ALONE”

Little old men can move fast it seems.  He follows me out to my car, and a faulty entry button on my hand held switch thingy opens ALL my doors (who knew that wasn’t supposed to be how it worked?  It’s been FIXED since btw)

He’s in my car before I am…  ” I just want to kiss you” He grabs my jacket, leans in for a kiss as I push away… and my cell rings.

SAVED.  I must go… it’s an emergency at home.

PLEASE, just lick the head of my cock.  or give me a hand job he says as he grabs my hand and shoves it down his sweat pants…  were they a fashion statement or just easy access for this?  Planned I think now.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR YOU NASTY OLD MAN.

And he does.  But not before he gets “SOMETHING” white and crusty on my jacket.  And an eager “call me later” as he gets out of my car.

Dry cleaning, well worth that money that day, let me tell you.

I have now purchased a can of pepper spray… had my remote fixed so one press will ONLY open my drivers side door…  Creepy Charlie has been blocked from every contacting me.

I got the first “date” out of the way…. Now, to go on a second first date with someone…

A lot has changed in this world since I was 19…..

ICK… white crusty stuff…

 

 

Dating websites: it takes all kinds…

Yesterday, I got an email from someone on Plenty of Fish… Yes, I know, they are all looking for a good time on that site. But, I know of people who have gotten married to someone they met there. Besides, the jerks give me plenty of Dating Story Fodder.

Yesterday, I got an email from a guy. Not your average single word, not a dick pic, it was even grammatically correct, without the “U” or “R” or wrong use of to, too, two.. (we ALL have SOME standards we have to adhere to) ((one of mine is they MUST have teeth))

One part of his letter of “Introduction” had the sentences: I see we are both in education. I work at the local high school in my town, and have for 10 years. His profile says he has his Masters degree…and confirms he works in education.

OK… Education with good spelling CHECK
JOB.. CHECK
PHOTO.. has decent cared for teeth CHECK
I need to UP my standards a bit looking at that list? CHECK

I typed back a pleasant enough response. asking what he did at the high school, was he in administration, teacher, principal? I also told him about my job at the local Community College typing the Closed Captioning for the online courses. Just small talk, get to know me stuff.

He replied a few hours later. His response? I’m the head janitor. Been head for 3 years.

OK… so…. I get he works in a school… but how does cleaning that school make him work in education? I have cleaned garages as a side job, does that make me a mechanic? I clean bathrooms weekly for some clients, does that make me a plumber? I used to help my EX clean a church, does that make me a priest or a nun? (they probably get more sex than I do, so I may reconsider that one)

I haven’t answered him yet. I don’t know what to say to be honest. Is he ashamed of his living so he puts on airs that he’s in education? Or does he seriously believe that janitorial services in a specific building makes you part of that profession? (I am NOT going to have a janitor give me an exam at my next doctors visit) ((Open heart done by a janitor…. the examples are endless)) It’s not the JOB, it’s how he has presented himself.

Not to mention I spit out my coffee with that response.

Another waste of a good mouthful of coffee…..

Tonight, before yoga…

At my local community college, I went into the restroom before taking a yoga class.  While there, I overheard some woman talking to her friend about her daughter. “I told her she should do kegel exercises, but she just won’t listen. So I said fine, don’t do it, but you’ll just keep wetting the bed. I hope her boyfriend likes waking up covered in pee!”

Not a good conversation to have in a public bathroom….

Overheard at CVS…

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn’t know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It’s not a burqa, it’s a poncho. I got it at TJ Maxx.

Overheard conversation….

Getting blood work done at my local hospital the other day I overheard a conversation between a man and his daughter… (she must have been 4 or so) She comes in and is chattering a mile a minute….. I really try to ignore her until what she is talking about penetrates my mind….

kid: But daddy… really…Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!

dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?

kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!

dad: Honey, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?

kid: Yes.

dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.

kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hoooo…

That’s when I got called in for blood work… Darn it…

Sex and the single mom

Yeah, I’ve been single a while… perhaps too long for my own good (or the good of the next man I happen to get naked in bed.. I may break him)

So, I’ve recently started dating again.  This is a small collection of some things I’ve encountered on some dating profiles lately.  Not really funny, just things I’ve encountered…

The “I have a penis pic” guy, who thinks that sending me a photo of his “member” is a GOOD opening.  Funny, most of them are SMALL… tooooo small to be fun!

The “HI” message.  One word, that’s it..  my all time favorite was HY.. yes, with a Y…

The “blank” profile.  Why go through 9000 attempt to find a username that isn’t taken to not bother to actually FILL in the thing?

The “weird” dude…. “I would drag my dick through broken glass to see you”  Can we say BLOCK?

The “You don’t know my name yet but here is my number, call me so we can have phone sex”  Yeah, no.  There are 900 numbers you can call for that.  99 cents a minute, what a deal!

The WTF guy… “Can you send me a picture of your teeth and feet? I love teeth and feet.”

The “Too Much Too Fast” guy…. First email: “I love you.”

The “I don’t know what to call him” guy:  “You said you were 48. You look 38. I’d like to give you 8 inches!”

The “Lets just put it all out there guy”  Second email.. Mind you, I don’t know his name yet…  “Do you like to be choked during sex?”

The guy I’m not interested in and just ignore, you then starts a conversation with himself, which continues over the course of 5 days (so far).  No, I haven’t blocked him, his talking to himself is entertaining.

And only today I received this one:  Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date?

 

 

New Neighbor Antics 1

Dear new neighbor: Running to “slide” on a patch of ice is NOT a good idea… Black ice on black tar CAN be deceiving…. it just MAY not all be ice.. and actually not all slippery… Can someone say “face plant?”

You made me waste a mouthful of coffee dang it..

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